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If you are bored at work...

If you are bored at work( or hell at home for that matter) and you fancy a bit of a read I started writing a fantasy novel that i figured I would publish online. If you like fantasy I would like it if you gave it a chance. My website is www.khrinz.com or if you want to dive straight into the first chapter http://www.khrinz.com/chapters/chapter1.html . I hope you guys enjoy it, if you do I will be adding chapters as I finish them.

www.khrinz.com

Comments

  • DaragothDaragoth Member Posts: 48

    Your website is blocked from my work sorry.

    Daragoth

    "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself." - John Stuart Mill

  • Litigator_ABLitigator_AB Member Posts: 311

     It's not bad.  It shows promise at least; a few passages had a professional quality to them.

    However:

    #1:  The pacing attached to the background story is off.  It moves as fast as a short story and yet the character development and the relationships you describe require a novel.  It either needs to slow down or you need to back off the lore/background.

    #2:  If you are going to be a writer, your grammar needs to improve significantly.  You simply have to have mastery of basic grammar.  

    For example:

    "I can't wait to see the paladin Jhotein." Cecilia said, "They say he is the most beautiful man in all the realms. Fair and brave." It was not hard to realize what they were talking about, the whole town were talking about the same thing. The heroes of the war were coming to visit, they would arrive with a caravan tomorrow. At least three of the four who had slain the arch lich Kheilomir.

    -"Pfft. I am more curios to see Gaurok the dwarf myself. They say he was swallowed by a dragon once but he was hard as stone and the dragon had to spit him out again." Answered Geir, the younger of the two brothers.

    There are 10 grammar mistakes from those two passages.  You need to improve.

    Edit:  12 errors actually.

  • FerdscuteFerdscute Member Posts: 108

    nice work dude.. now i have something to do when im bored lol...

    when will chapter 2 be released?

  • PacHealerPacHealer Member Posts: 5

    Thank you for your feedback Litigator, I will try to improve on those areas. English Is not my first language but I do use MS Word to help me catch grammatical errors as much as possible. It did not show 12 grammatical errors there as I look back at it for me, but definately some and I will work on those. I am glad you think it shows promise.

     

    I am going over it again now to clean up the grammatical mess

    www.khrinz.com

  • PacHealerPacHealer Member Posts: 5

    Ferdscute, I am really glad you enjoyed it. The first five chapters are there either just click 'chapters' on the left hand side or 'next chapter' on top until you run out

    www.khrinz.com

  • Litigator_ABLitigator_AB Member Posts: 311
    Originally posted by PacHealer


    Thank you for your feedback Litigator, I will try to improve on those areas. English Is not my first language but I do use MS Word to help me catch grammatical errors as much as possible. It did not show 12 grammatical errors there as I look back at it for me, but definately some and I will work on those. I am glad you think it shows promise.
     
    I am going over it again now to clean up the grammatical mess

     

    Here is the corrected sample for your use:

    "I can't wait to see the paladin Jhotein," Cecilia said, "they say he is the most beautiful man in all the realms. Fair and brave." It was not hard to realize who they were talking about ; or a coordinating conjunction such as "as" the whole town was talking about the same thing. The heroes of the war were coming to visit ; or a coordinating conjunction they would arrive with a caravan tomorrow. At least three of the four who had slain the Archlich Kheilomir. <-----sentence fragment

    -"Pfft. I am more curious to see Gaurok the Dwarf myself. They say he was swallowed by a dragon once but because he was hard as stone and the dragon had to spit him out again," answered Geir, the younger of the two brothers.

    Corrections in bold/underline.  Sentence fragments in italics.

     

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