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Nouveau Riche Rednecks
Theodoryk
Member Posts: 1,453
The boom time came. Suddenly the so called "trade" you've been working for ten dollars an hour all these years is netting you a quarter of a million dollars annually. So you bought yourself a fucking Silverado. Here's some friendly pointers which, if applied to your dark, shallow little existance, might save those around you from suffering from bouts of nausea, blind rages, strokes, and even heart failure. Provided you are capable of reading at a grade two level, that is.
1)Trucker caps are not a fashion statement. There is no such thing as a "collectors ballcap", no amount of fancy embroidery will make it anything more than what is: the thing you wear to save yourself the trouble of cutting, combing or washing your hair. You're a scrub, buy a fucking comb.
2)Contrary to popular belief, your luxury truck doesn't impress anyone other than other pencil-dicked douches like you. It is not a "chick magnet". It will not make people think your dick is big. You do not give the impression that you're a "hard working man". Civilised people just think you're a dumb douche who bought himself a shiny penis compensator to drive to the Dairy Queen during turn around. Shove a sock down your pants and invest in a Camaro instead, you'll get better results.
3)Shouting "Woooo....wooooo" at young ladies walking down the street at three o'clock in the morning on a saturday night is not considered a proper or even an adventurously improper way of attracting a mate. Flashing your aluminum bling and your fat wad of 20s (sic), making sure everyone gets a glimpse of your new silver-plated Adidas watch is also not helping your situation any. You wear a baseball cap, possess the vocabulary of a first generation immigrant who never leaves home, and you're drunk and obnoxious after 4 beer. Downtown is not your scene, go home. Maple Ridge is that way ----->
4)Buying plaid shirts and pre-faded jeans for two hundred dollars a piece doesn't mean you're well dressed, it means you're a fucking retard. We made the startling discovery that wearing running shoes with skin tight jeans looks stupid fifteen years ago, and you're not bringing the look back no matter how hard you try. Yes, you own a pair of two hundred and fifty dollar Nikes. You still look like a fucking hobo. Furthermore, if you're going to wear the skin tight jeans (you don't have the figure for it, by the way) make sure the ass is skin tight too. A giant hanging baggy ass on string-legged jeans makes you look like you're wearing Depends. In short, either learn to dress like a civilised, 21st century human being, putting those thousands you spend on clothes to good use, or get your rags at Goodwill and save yourself a boat load of cash.
5)You are not a cowboy. The fact that you wear a cowboy hat and boots once a week when you go play make-believe with your friends at the local "country bar" does not make you a "good ol' boy", it makes you a fucking wannabe. If you want to be a cowboy, move to the country and work with real country folk. You grew up in the suburbs listening to Metallica, Notorious B.I.G, and Aqua, and doing your best to speak with a Brooklyn accent. You can't wrangle cattle, you've never been to the rodeo in your life, you don't know how to ride a horse, and you sure as hell can't square dance. Fuck off.
6)Your cellphone is no big deal. Everyone has one, stop flashing it around and answering phantom phone calls at every opportunity in a ridiculous attempt to showcase your investment in wireless telecommunication. No one is impressed. Put your phone on vibrate when you're in a movie theater, at a restaurant, or a cafe (Starbucks isn't a fucking cafe). Actually, put your phone on vibrate, period. No one needs to hear your stupid Shania Twain ringtone. We know you can play your mp3s on your phone. It doesn't mean we want to hear your playlist, invest in earphones. In short, put your fucking phone away.
7) Wash the chicken grease off your fingers before handling the DVDs you rented from Blockbuster. You fucking pig. Also, just to reinterate the point, wash your hands after you use the toilet. I know you just learned that pissing on my toilet seat is considered a social feaux pas, but now let's try to take that extra little step into the wonderful world of personal hygiene. I don't really care that you're a dirty unkept scrub, perish the thought, I just don't want to get some weird communicable disease because you like to collect greases and excrements on your fucking hands. Speaking of which, cover your mouth when you cough, and consider blowing your nose as an alternative to blowing snot rockets onto things other people will invariably touch. What the fuck is wrong with you?
8) You have money, so you've suddenly found yourself invited to events and gatherings whose context confuse and baffle you. Keep in mind, these people aren't your friends, they just want your money. Turn down that sweet offer on the mortgage, the ski-do you'll never use, or the investment in x-shares. My friends don't like you. They consider you dull and stupid. You are everything they despise, and they just want your money. K? Also, for future reference, caviar is not meant to be used as a spread for your fried chicken. I know you don't understand, but trust me, just don't do. Remember, caviar + chicken = no.
9) Wipe the moronic scoul off your face. I know that I'm a strange creature to you, but that's no justification for you to give me your "tough guy" look. Yes, yes, I have short cropped and combed hair, and trimmed finger nails. Yes, I wear polo shirts, v-necks and cardigans, I own a Harrington and a leather jacket, I wear loafers and tennis shoes and even turtle necks and a scarf in the winter. This does not make me a "faggot" or a "pussy", and as much as it may shock you, many people would consider me to be "well dressed" and/or even "attractive". When I go outside, wherever I go, I pay you no heed. I mind my own business, and most usually do everything I can to assure that my morning/afternoon/evening goes as pleasantly as possible. I realise that you are insecure, that you suffer from a low self-esteem, and that you feel the need to build yourself up by picking on "weak little bitches" like me. Please keep in mind that we grew up in the same neighborhoods. Please don't be surprised when I break your fucking face for trying to get in mine. Peace, brother man, love and bunnies, turn that frown upside down and stop being such an overly-aggressive reject.
10) When the boom ends, your money will end, and you'll most likely end up defaulting on your truck, your house, your ski-do, and all the other useless shit you took out on credit. Surrounding yourself with shiny things in a vain attempt to boost your sagging morale is all well and good, but please, in the name of collective fiscal welfare, get yourself a fucking financial adviser. I know you don't have the imagination to understand that the oil boom which has elevated you into the upper classes of society won't last forever, but you're just going to have to take my word for it. Here's the best advice your stupid inbred ass will ever get, summed up in two easy-to-remember words: nest egg. Write it down and stick it up on your fridge with that NRA magnet you so cherish.
.....there may be more, but that's good for now, I think.
1)Trucker caps are not a fashion statement. There is no such thing as a "collectors ballcap", no amount of fancy embroidery will make it anything more than what is: the thing you wear to save yourself the trouble of cutting, combing or washing your hair. You're a scrub, buy a fucking comb.
2)Contrary to popular belief, your luxury truck doesn't impress anyone other than other pencil-dicked douches like you. It is not a "chick magnet". It will not make people think your dick is big. You do not give the impression that you're a "hard working man". Civilised people just think you're a dumb douche who bought himself a shiny penis compensator to drive to the Dairy Queen during turn around. Shove a sock down your pants and invest in a Camaro instead, you'll get better results.
3)Shouting "Woooo....wooooo" at young ladies walking down the street at three o'clock in the morning on a saturday night is not considered a proper or even an adventurously improper way of attracting a mate. Flashing your aluminum bling and your fat wad of 20s (sic), making sure everyone gets a glimpse of your new silver-plated Adidas watch is also not helping your situation any. You wear a baseball cap, possess the vocabulary of a first generation immigrant who never leaves home, and you're drunk and obnoxious after 4 beer. Downtown is not your scene, go home. Maple Ridge is that way ----->
4)Buying plaid shirts and pre-faded jeans for two hundred dollars a piece doesn't mean you're well dressed, it means you're a fucking retard. We made the startling discovery that wearing running shoes with skin tight jeans looks stupid fifteen years ago, and you're not bringing the look back no matter how hard you try. Yes, you own a pair of two hundred and fifty dollar Nikes. You still look like a fucking hobo. Furthermore, if you're going to wear the skin tight jeans (you don't have the figure for it, by the way) make sure the ass is skin tight too. A giant hanging baggy ass on string-legged jeans makes you look like you're wearing Depends. In short, either learn to dress like a civilised, 21st century human being, putting those thousands you spend on clothes to good use, or get your rags at Goodwill and save yourself a boat load of cash.
5)You are not a cowboy. The fact that you wear a cowboy hat and boots once a week when you go play make-believe with your friends at the local "country bar" does not make you a "good ol' boy", it makes you a fucking wannabe. If you want to be a cowboy, move to the country and work with real country folk. You grew up in the suburbs listening to Metallica, Notorious B.I.G, and Aqua, and doing your best to speak with a Brooklyn accent. You can't wrangle cattle, you've never been to the rodeo in your life, you don't know how to ride a horse, and you sure as hell can't square dance. Fuck off.
6)Your cellphone is no big deal. Everyone has one, stop flashing it around and answering phantom phone calls at every opportunity in a ridiculous attempt to showcase your investment in wireless telecommunication. No one is impressed. Put your phone on vibrate when you're in a movie theater, at a restaurant, or a cafe (Starbucks isn't a fucking cafe). Actually, put your phone on vibrate, period. No one needs to hear your stupid Shania Twain ringtone. We know you can play your mp3s on your phone. It doesn't mean we want to hear your playlist, invest in earphones. In short, put your fucking phone away.
7) Wash the chicken grease off your fingers before handling the DVDs you rented from Blockbuster. You fucking pig. Also, just to reinterate the point, wash your hands after you use the toilet. I know you just learned that pissing on my toilet seat is considered a social feaux pas, but now let's try to take that extra little step into the wonderful world of personal hygiene. I don't really care that you're a dirty unkept scrub, perish the thought, I just don't want to get some weird communicable disease because you like to collect greases and excrements on your fucking hands. Speaking of which, cover your mouth when you cough, and consider blowing your nose as an alternative to blowing snot rockets onto things other people will invariably touch. What the fuck is wrong with you?
8) You have money, so you've suddenly found yourself invited to events and gatherings whose context confuse and baffle you. Keep in mind, these people aren't your friends, they just want your money. Turn down that sweet offer on the mortgage, the ski-do you'll never use, or the investment in x-shares. My friends don't like you. They consider you dull and stupid. You are everything they despise, and they just want your money. K? Also, for future reference, caviar is not meant to be used as a spread for your fried chicken. I know you don't understand, but trust me, just don't do. Remember, caviar + chicken = no.
9) Wipe the moronic scoul off your face. I know that I'm a strange creature to you, but that's no justification for you to give me your "tough guy" look. Yes, yes, I have short cropped and combed hair, and trimmed finger nails. Yes, I wear polo shirts, v-necks and cardigans, I own a Harrington and a leather jacket, I wear loafers and tennis shoes and even turtle necks and a scarf in the winter. This does not make me a "faggot" or a "pussy", and as much as it may shock you, many people would consider me to be "well dressed" and/or even "attractive". When I go outside, wherever I go, I pay you no heed. I mind my own business, and most usually do everything I can to assure that my morning/afternoon/evening goes as pleasantly as possible. I realise that you are insecure, that you suffer from a low self-esteem, and that you feel the need to build yourself up by picking on "weak little bitches" like me. Please keep in mind that we grew up in the same neighborhoods. Please don't be surprised when I break your fucking face for trying to get in mine. Peace, brother man, love and bunnies, turn that frown upside down and stop being such an overly-aggressive reject.
10) When the boom ends, your money will end, and you'll most likely end up defaulting on your truck, your house, your ski-do, and all the other useless shit you took out on credit. Surrounding yourself with shiny things in a vain attempt to boost your sagging morale is all well and good, but please, in the name of collective fiscal welfare, get yourself a fucking financial adviser. I know you don't have the imagination to understand that the oil boom which has elevated you into the upper classes of society won't last forever, but you're just going to have to take my word for it. Here's the best advice your stupid inbred ass will ever get, summed up in two easy-to-remember words: nest egg. Write it down and stick it up on your fridge with that NRA magnet you so cherish.
.....there may be more, but that's good for now, I think.
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
Comments
I disagree.
Please, this is a forum, not myspace. We understand that you wish to appear superior, and even intelligent, to the untrained human eye. But going off on a rather pointless rant, is just clutter for these once "pristine" boards.
www.myspace.com
It is your playground!
"Fear not death; for the sooner we die, the longer shall we be immortal."
Well, at least it was a change of pace from Politics, or Religion...
And it did have more than a few truths to it, though it smelt vaguely of plagiarism. I'm fairly certain I've read it, or something just like it, before.
But just about anything making fun of some nutscratcher in a Quad-Cab Full Size Dodge Ram 201100 Series EXT Dualie, etc, etc. that doesn't have so much as a speck of dust on it is ok by me.
Oh boy, this is going to be fun.
Sorry, I forgot that any post over two sentences long not involving religion or politics has no place here. It was different once, before almost all of the interesting people were banned or left of their own accord. Today, Aldaron, of all people, seems to think he's in a position to decided what is appropriate material for this board. Oh, the irony indeed.
.....please don't try to pass your own complexes off on me. My aim was to entertain. Apparently your "trained eye" missed that.
The fact that you don't understand the humor in / can't be assed to read a post doesn't make it pointless. Then again, judging by your own meager contributions to this forum, I would say its doubly ironic that you feel you're in the position to judge anyone else's posts.
Wow skippy, you really called me out. *snore*
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
Pardon me for being able to write. You know, I wrote this for another forum a few hours ago, and a friend suggested that I repost it here to see what kind of response I might get, comparatively speaking. I expected all sorts of guff, but admittedly, being accused of plagiarism rather caught me off guard. Pretty harsh...
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
Death to the OP! How dare he insult the great American Way?
Hail DnDOnlinegames!
Well hell instead of being little prats and getting in the OP's face over something INCREDIBLY FUNNY why not just give him nods for making such comedy, he's obvious a farce writer and I like that alot, as a matter of fact I want the original post for my books of "funny stuff i found on the internet one day" -2009 publish- if thats alright with the OP.
I plan to email him after this thread, thats book worthy.
Thank you Theo I was so damned depressed until I read that stuff it made me laugh alot, because it's true dude and only those who have indulged in redneckery would even get that clue.
For instance, my cousin the logger just increased his pay 500% because of deep timber cutting issues, well he bought all this great stuff, and BAM BAM BANG yeah he took a 500% pay cut six months later, guess what he did?
Everything you said.
I do have to say i am insulted this wasn't on jesus,buddah,bush,americans sucking, or europeans suckings type of topic but I'll get over it after all page 2 has 50 or so for me .
I guess I should make a disclaimer in my sig stating "Warning: Highly Sarcastic"...
Hail DnDOnlinegames!
That would require the need for retards.
I wasn't referring to you mate, it's obvious your are being a goon
.
It's the others.
Maybe I need to add the disclaimer "READ THE <bleepety> CONTEXT OF MY POST YOU IGNORANT MUTHA---banned-"
Of course this doesn't imply you...Or does it!
Zing!
<hides>
I didn't find it funny personally because of how generalized and interchangeable it is.
Hmm I read the whole lot for some reason, perhaps because it was well-written and had good flow. However It didn't entertain me or make me laugh because it seemed to become to personal.
To be honest it made me feel like this OP has had some really negative confrontations with rednecks, which I could tell as the rant contained more and more swearing and began to get quite personal. I believe the OP has been bullied/beaten or insulted by rednecks before and is trying to cope with failing to stick up for himself by posting what he would've said and by posting his feelings to make sense of a situation which perhaps bewildered him. It didn't make me laugh at all, the humour was dry, sad and angry and carried over way to much emotion.
I think it is you that might have some self-esteem issues here because this post does not seem purely comedic, but if posting here under the guise of humour makes you feel better than so be it.
Perhaps I'm reading too deeply into this but I'm in a thoughtful mood at the moment, I think that I have hit the nail on the head.
O_o o_O
My thoughts are, the poster uses angry comedy which is used alot in mainstream comedy.
The firecracker show. Make it seem like you are ranting and crazy and people will laugh.
I believe there is too much put into thought about his psyche here, it's just humor. May be angry, may be dry (how that is I dunno) but still it's just humor.
Its not generalised, its rather specific in that it refers to particular experiences occuring within a particular space and time. Everything is interchangeable, how the interchangeability of the scenario presented negates the humor in it is beyond me. I always thought that the fundamental element of humor was reference to experiences and situations that others can identify with, hence, interchangeable material. Um....good effort?
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
Sorry friend, but you fail miserably at psycho-analysis. The fact that you don't see the humor in my writing doesn't make me a cowering wimp desperately seeking an outlet for his frustrations. Thanks for the laugh though, that was just above and beyond anything I could have hoped for in a vigorous misinterpretation of my writing. Keep em coming, my public will most definitly be thrilled.
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
Sorry friend, but you fail miserably at psycho-analysis. The fact that you don't see the humor in my writing doesn't make me a cowering wimp desperately seeking an outlet for his frustrations. Thanks for the laugh though, that was just above and beyond anything I could have hoped for in a vigorous misinterpretation of my writing. Keep em coming, my public will most definitly be thrilled.
If that's the case I suggest you work on the whole comedy thing. Anyone can rattle off stereotypes and swear a lot, too much repititon. As to your reply it was what I expected.
O_o o_O
I thought it was pretty funny and actually quite good, until you got to number 9 and 10. I would recommend working on those last two. They seem a little out of place when compared to the prior eight things. The first eight seem like funny observations with some language thrown in for the shock value. Most comedians use it.
The last two though and especially number 9 (which the tone of number 9 kind of carried over to 10) does sound more personal and doesn't really fit with the tone of the first 8. The first 8 really came off kind of a Dennis Leary or a Dennis Miller type of observational comedic comments. They say these things, but when you hear them say them you get the feeling that they don't really care either way. Number 9 really came across as the writer actually caring more about what he is saying and it being more personal.
I don't think that you meant for that, so maybe work on the wording and tone of that particular paragraph.
Currently playing:
LOTRO & WoW (not much WoW though because Mines of Moria rocks!!!!)
Looking Foward too:
Bioware games (Dragon Age & Star Wars The Old Republic)
Doood I thank you off ended sum rednekks. You nead mor info on Nascar, cuz Nascar is like God!
Don't be terrorized! You're more likely to die of a car accident, drowning, fire, or murder! More people die every year from prescription drugs than terrorism LOL!
Hey Theo! What's up brother?!
Great post btw! Had me lmao!
Being a redneck myself I tried to be offended but I couldn't quite manage it. Well maybe I'm a different sort of redneck because as a matter of fact I have wrangled cattle (although I've never heard anyone call it that before), I have been to rodeos, and I was riding horses before I was able to walk. But I don't know how to square dance so you got me there.
Great post Theo. I live in a logging town so I see this sort of this happen daily. Its not to say there aren't good Rednecks. I've seen my fair share of hard working and intelligent Rednecks. Most I know are clean. Most I know even can dress in a fairly civilized manner. What makes me enjoy there company is there simple outlook on life. There the bottom cog of the machine and damned proud of it. They make a living and they have there kids. Less worries really some claim. Not to say your implying they cant be any of the above things I described. The ones who are so drab.. well hell even the other rednecks laugh at them
Having been raised in Alabama, I can very much relate to this list. People with money down here absolutely glorify the Redneck/cowboy culture. Here's a couple of my own:
1) The giant belt-buckle with a cow on it you bought from Wal-Mart isn't fooling anybody.
2) Sticking a fish-hook on your ball cap doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look legally retarded.
----------
Life sucks, buy a helmet.
Nice on the belt thing, how true.
Mine.
1. Stop trying to act like Wranglers are the best jeans out there. They are crappy wal-mart/target stock generic rip offs of more quality jeans.
2. PLEASE stop wearring them 5 sizes too small, just get some spandex and call it a day, both look about the same anyhow.
I don't think the problem lies in my ability to write comedy, but rather in your own ability to appreciate humor. Or maybe you're just a redneck who feels the need to chalk me up to a whimpy little kid because the points I wrote hit home just a little too hard....
A very good observation here, I wanted to say. 10 is the conclusion to the the introduction, though I suppose it could use some polishing. As for 9, after reading over my own material, I do admit that it seems a bit out of place, and perhaps does sound a little too personal. I guess it is kind of personal to me....there's nothing worse than ending a date or otherwise pleasant evening in a fist fight because some drunken douche is bored and looking for trouble. I'm sure its happened to alot of us and I'm sure many people can sympathise. Not that this makes it any funnier, I suppose. Well, it could use some work, but it was a "sit down and write something in 30 minutes" kind of thing, so I'm not really planning on polishing it at all.
I find it funny that certain people feel all I'm doing here is spitting up stereotypes, and that these people are from a completely different part of the continent than I am. First of all, these points are all based on my personal experiences. Secondly, I don't know what your stereotypes are, well I suppose I do, but our rednecks are a little different than yours. Lastly, is a redneck smearing caviar all over his fried chicken really a stereotype? It something I saw at a dinner party, I wouldn't have thought its a common practice amongst his kind. If so, LAFF XD
Anyhoo, thanks for the great comments and observations guys. And keep those points coming.
"Speaking haygywaygy or some other gibberish with your mum doesn't make you foreign."
-baff
I get the feeling we have an extremely disgruntled blockbuster employee.
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you''re one of the 2% who hasn''t, copy & paste this in your signature.
Goddamn, I didn't know we had so many Sigmund Freud's on this forum, psychoanalyzing a post that was quite obviously meant for comedy.
And "Save it for Myspace?" Please, these forums need more of this stuff. I rarely post anymore because its all religious and political bullshit. This type of stuff is EXACTLY what the OT needs, and you'd do good not to try to drive it away.
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment;
We are choosing to be here right now -Tool, Parabola