My first try at poetry. Critique requested.

modjoe86

The Lady came riding

the lady came riding to fetch me that morning
the light in the sky was still gray.
I neither expected
nor hoped to reject it
just watched unaffected
in my heart, not a dread
slow, methodical
patient, and steady
that's how the lady came riding that day.

next came she to Alan, overworked Harvard graduate
he was driving to work, running late
He never took note
of the lady's approach
thoughts raced as he drove
to the drone of talk shows
stealthily, swift
with purpose and abandon
that's how the lady came riding that day.

now she sights Lisa, working mother, three children
all her affections to them she paid
she saw the lady near
from her eye came a tear
"Please, just one more year"
realized her greatest fear
regrettfully, sad
heartlessly, trudging
that's how the lady came riding that day.

on the battlefield now, with the stench penetrating
the hospital tent full of once lively men
everyone saw her
this whole band of brothers
hide under their covers
cry out for their mothers
menacing, merciless
with agenda and schedule
that's how the lady came riding that day.

Untitled

you can't compete, you fall asleep
you wake to racing thoughts
consumes your mind, until you find
your bottle of popov
you drink away, the thoughts that they
told you you shouldn't keep
and then you hope, that it will stay
below your conscious' sweep

I wish you knew, how falsely true
was my dirty facade
nobody saw, the sacred law
known only to your God
but we all act, as if there's tact
in playing liar's parts
then you see me, and sight turns black
logic from you departs.

I wake again, the sky is dim,
you stand in front of me.
I close my eyes, to my surprise
you walk away from me
regret hits home, I spot the phone
but we both know I'm weak
the call's not made, I'm still alone
my feelings yet to leak.

It's too late now, I'm down and out
you've gone away for good
and once again, the guilt sets in
depressing is my mood
then the phone rings, new hope it brings
in my gut, butterflies
Is Tammy there? - wafts through the air
Wrong number - I replied


Feel free to rip it to shreds. Criticism is the only way to improve. Thanks.

Rikimaru_X

I skimmed through it. I never putdown anyone's work, so I give this poem a 4/5. It's a good start, but do you know what type of poetry is this?

modjoe86

Well, the poetry doesn't really fall into a category. I made up a rhyme scheme for the first one, and used a rhyme scheme from Leonard Cohen on the second one.

I tried my hand at a Petrarchan Sonnet written in iambic pentameter, but that shit is harder than it looks.

Rufius

Set it to some blues tunes and it'll become digestible.

D

Yeah it ain't too bad at all, not really my cuppa tea though. For a first effort, it's real good.

I prefer poems that are rich in imagery and use lots of sounds effects, try messing around with allegories and stuff too, see what comes out of that.

Neptus

I like it

Just don't turn into somebody who dresses in black and writes bad poetry...like my last gf.
It was just....CRAZY stuff I didn't think we would stay together but we stayed together for a whole year.

asagiri

this poetry really cool.Good start and I'll wait for all your poetry book

admjn65

I really like the last stanza in your first poem.