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Translating Caspian's "The Way Forward" Update

OrangeBoyOrangeBoy Member UncommonPosts: 213
I went ahead and translated the CoE revival post, please excuse me if I missed anything.

"On April 9th we posted an update to let you all know what was happening with Soulbound Studios and Chronicles of Elyria. In that post we promised to be more transparent with our community, and we subsequently followed that up with a detailed FAQ on April 27th. It has been a bit longer than we hoped since that last communication, but we have been heads down working on many of the things we addressed in our prior posts."

Translation: Here we fucking go again. This is fucked... I planned to get away with the money but now (due to one reason or another) I have to pretend this scam is real. I have to keep this charade up otherwise I might get sent to Gitmo or Alcatraz as relayed by my lawyer, who's name also coincidentally ends with "Walsh". So even though I wanna put all 8 mil ($$$) in the bank and use it on caviar and super-cars I fucking can't. Shit, anyways, I've been working really hard to see what my options are in regards to pretending to be transparent with you clowns. Bear with me and my legal team.

"First, in an effort to preserve the community history, all of your hard work - which is still being used, we have reenabled the forums. The forums have been restored in a Read-Only format, as we still lack the bandwidth to ensure that it is a safe place for the community."

Translation: I hate all of you for not letting me scam you, so I'll leave the forum up in a read-only fashion and delete some of unfair criticisms so I can pretend like we're all good. Keep eyes peeled for an "Apology Sale" where you can buy virtual hugs for 20 bucks a pop.

"It is our intent to, at some point, re-open the forums once we have established a new volunteer moderation team."

Translation: I learned it's better to hire people who don't ask too many questions, so please don't bother applying if your IQ is in the triple digits like the old volunteer team before they all reached the age of 12.

"However, it was never our intention to remove that access, and we know that being able to see your Transaction History is important. So, we have restored the functionality and you should once again be able to view all of your previous transactions."

Translation: I deleted the transaction history last time by "mistake" but like the entire post, I have to oddly specify these points in order to make sure I have all my bases covered in case you vengeful whales find something to crucify me on. Why can't I steal money in peace during a global pandemic???

"Much work has been completed but it is not yet ready for release. Because we want you to be a part of this process, even in its current state, we have decided to start a series of video posts where we can discuss and show you the state of development -- what’s done, what’s not done, and what needs to be improved before it’s ready for release; as well as share our plans for moving forward. We’ll announce the date of the first installment shortly."

Translation: For fucks sake, look what you guys made me do; you guys just couldn't wait another 5 years for my accountant to release her next UE demo with plagiarized assets. Now my lawyer brother (?),  told me that I personally have to keep releasing pathetic UE demos for the rest of my life until I die while pretending you people have any say. I'll slap you in the face with a date when I feel like it.

"We know this process is taking longer than we’d hoped, and we are anxious to get something playable into the hands of our community."

Translation: I'm tripping balls right now man. I don't know if I can handle this. Fuck, I wanna release a 2D scroller but I promised too much in the KS and the forums.

"Stay tuned in the coming weeks as we launch our "Inside Chronicles of Elyria" video blog. We look forward to sharing more news with you soon."

Translation: It is what it is. I'm gonna make a video in an undisclosed location as I've received many death threats from you guys which has forced me into hiring around the clock security for me, my family, and my new beach-front properties. Now I have to worry about desperate neck-beards who wanted to be kings trying to hunt me down for the rest of my life. 

"Sincerely,
Jeromy Walsh
CEO & Founder
Soulbound Studios, LLC"

Translation: Fuck you all

BluefishAnOldFart
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