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Eve Exploits - Looking for Feedback
Lithianlord
Member Posts: 24
Just a quick backstory behind this: I am a student at UNR going for a masters in Journalism. My passion is for broadcasting and written journalism from blogs to articles. I have been recently trying to improve my works and with that have been working on many projects. With this, I want to improve my ability to entertain and get readers to want to read it. I wrote this article (as you will read) on EVE online and my experience trying it for the first time. This covers just the short tutorial, but I plan to do more. My goal (more like dream) would be to one day be a correspondent for this very site. So my request to you all would be to follow the link and read my short piece and leave me feedback. I want you to be as nice or harsh as possible. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
http://antiraptor.blogspot.com/2010/05/eve-exploits-tutorialize-me.html
Comments
I read this expecting some new exploits in EvE. I was disappointed.
Unique upcoming indie space-based mining and combat game - Miner Wars.
http://www.minerwars.com/?aid=191
Sorry, that was not the point. I will change the title if that is what you are insinuating.
First of all, I am sorry but I didn't read it all...but here is the feedback:
'Along with true social interaction and a player-driven economy, EVE looked like the game for me. Benefits of hard work that arent just a shiny virtual sword, but prestige among my fellow players. Yet I have never given EVE a try and wrote it off as something that wasnt right for me.'
So you start with the game that look like a game for you and then you make 180° and write it off without ever trying. A few lines later you do the same with grind and upcoming expansion.
You did this twice in one paragraph...the first paragraph of your article and it made me stop reading further.
Your writing is inconsistent and lacking structure.
I think you're completely missing the actual meaning of what he wrote. He's saying in the past he wrote it off without ever trying it despite the fact it looked like a game he might like. He's not saying that's what he did now- to the contrary, he's finally trying the game after putting it off for so long.
Exactly, my point is that I have never given EVE a fair chance, if at all any, and now with the new coming out Tyrannis expansion I have decided to see what all the fuss is about and this is a record of my first atempt at EVE.
But I do take your point that this peice has little structure in that I wrote as I played so in a few parts I insert a few ideas or thoughts, such as a paragraph that jumps to graphics due to little of me to write on the section I was in.
I felt it was well written and enjoyeble to read, will definitly be reading a next chapter if you continue.
Thanks! Like I said I am trying to become a correspondent so I'm doing this as a sort of preliminary learning experience. My next piece will be out soon.
I do understand what he was trying to say but that still does not make it less awful to read.
The feedback is on writing style, not the content.
I do see your point though as it was a bad choice at phrasing, especially where it was place.
Fixed(?):
Eve online started out as an idea and different form of MMO which eventually became a huge success and MMORPG.coms 2009 MMO of the year. Along with true social interaction and a player-driven economy, EVE looked like the game for me. Benefits of hard work that arent just a shiny virtual sword, but prestige among my fellow players. I have followed Eve from the beginning, to the Goonswarm takeover of BoB and even up to the new expansion Tyrannis. After hearing of such exploits it is hard not to jump in.
Yet I have never given EVE a try and wrote it off. The tales of repetitive grind and pirates ruining days of work or put me off as something that wasnt right for me.
With the release of the new Tyrannis trailer and the idea of the EVE Gate, I have decided to take a swing this time.
Here is the chronicle of one mans attempt to reach the stars.
Maybe it is just me but with little copy-paste and little edit, this is much better to read, imho.
I agree, it fits better that way. I was grouping thoughts instead of the ideas.
Your blog has some nice references and style --- a few copper...err...ISK. A reference to HAL from 2001.
However, what you need is either an editor or proof-reading.
There were lots of grammatical errors 'advance' instead of 'advanced' for eg.
I am very guilty of this myself as someone that didn't speak english as a first language so I am not trying to be discouraging. I use the wrong form of verbs and figures of speach that do not translate. Like your 'exploits' which of course is proper english, meaning 'things you did in EVE, but it has a different meaning in MMOs meaning something like cheats.
So get a friend to check things over or maybe you wrote this fast and could have caught those yourself.
I write professionally in nationally distributed journals, but I would never even show stuff to an editor before having a coworker give them a once over.
"Never met a pack of humans that were any different. Look at the idiots that get elected every couple of years. You really consider those guys more mature than us? The only difference between us and them is, when they gank some noobs and take their stuff, the noobs actually die." - Madimorga
Writing without structure is like food without salt : )
I actually liked the intro ( The new version is better tho ) and think you should continue with the themes of repetitive grind and pirate harassment.
As in, how do your views on these topics evolve as you play. If it concerns you it probably does others too.
True, good point. I used the Word 2007 spell check for this entire thing, but i think ill ask a friend to review the rest. I am dyslectic, so I misspell words more than most.
Pirate harassment is on my mind, but for being so low I'm focusing on how the grind is and so far I can see how this is the major put off. As stated a bit in my post, most of what you do is simply clicking and watching repetitively. My next post is going to be me trying to mine for profit, so it will heavily invole the topic of grinding.
On that note though: Do you think it is better to have main themes in such work and stick to them or have an "before - after" type style?
A little of both I would think, giving examples in your story telling that support your theme and then doing the before and after latter.
Take grinding for example. Are you really grinding and does EVE even have a grind? Are you not really choosing an income source, and how much money you make determines how good it is? Doesn't your decision to mine say more about your approach than the grind level of the game?
A lot to write about I would think.
A solid read but you lack consistency. The story doesn't flow very well and I found it a bit hard to stay focused all the way to the end. Few additional suggestions not yet mentioned by other posters:
4/8 pargraphs start with "After..." and in paragraph #3 two consecutive sentences follow with that same word:
"After loading up character creation I am given a choice between races: Caldari, Minmatar, Amarr, and Gallente. After a brief description read by..."
"I get the hang of the simple things and soon have skills being trained in a queue.What I really love about this is the skills train in real-time, so if I log off for a while I come back to an avatar that is more advanced then I left him. Much better than normal MMOs where when I log off the best thing I might get is rest xp."
You are over expressing emotions; you say "I really love", but in reality you just "like" game's mechanics; in the opposite case you wouldn't "hate", you would "dislike".
"...What I really love about this..."; stop reading here and ask yourself about what? That you got the hang of simple things or that you have skills being trained in a queue? Its actually neither of the two. In fact, you like that skills train in real-time but you still haven't said that, we have to continue reading to figure that out.
Last sentence contains no relevant information... well perhaps to my grandma that has no clue what MMO is
How do you classify EVE if other MMOs are "normal"?
"I want to point out he graphics at this point...."
Just like "after"...
You certainly have skills but it seems as you didn't take enough time/effort and rushed with the final draft. And keep in mind that it is much easier to look for mistakes than to write a solid story from scratch.
Posts like this make me glad I made this thread. I am noticing that most (if not all) of these critiques have to do with post editing and the final draft. I realize now I DO rush too much after writing a rough draft, which is a bad habit I picked up from my "Life in the Wastes" project. I appreciate the your help and will look to better my editing techniques.
Though i will admit I am a very over-emotional person.
Gdemami, you are like that kid "Mikey" in the old cereal commercials... you hate everything : )
+1 for being consistent though : )
OP, keep it up... best way to improve your writing is to write ; )
I have done some post-editing changes that either were suggested to me or I found to need correction myself. I am working on my next post (havn't had the time) but right now I feel this is a better version. I tried to keep it focused on a specific demigraphic and fix my repetitivity. I ended it diffrently to open up for new posts and to try and set a theme. I also added more in sections to add more detail. Same link, same blog.
Thanks everyone, this has all really helpped me so far.
A shame more don't understand there is more than one definition for the word.
Keep an eye on that "I" and try not to over use it.
This is way better now, well done m8. Practice makes perfect and wish you all the best in fullfilling your dreams.
I noticed that while I was editing. I change a lot of them in this peice, but I'm going to try and cut them out completly next post.