But coach, my uniform does need to be cleaned” said the handsome quarterback, the handsome quarterback with the rocket arm. “I haven’t washed it all week” said the quarterback. “What?!?” exclaimed the coach as he looks over the uniform. “Shit son, how’d you screw up your uniform” asked the coach. “I don’t know” cried the quarterback. “It all happen so fast coach, it all happen so fast. One second it was clean, the next it was dirty.” The handsome quarterback glances at his uniform again. “Aw man, I’m sorry coach, I really made a mess of things didn’t I, I didn’t mean to get my uniform dirty coach, I didn’t mean it I swear!!”
The handsome quarterback with the rocket arms was on the verge of tears. The coach sees this and thinks “Oh shit, this bastard’s about to cry again” he quickly steps in “Now son just calm down” said the coach. Don’t go crying your ass off again, you were lucky the last time you pulled that crap but you won’t be again. If your teammates see you crying in public they’ll never look at you the same again. Now hold back your tears son, HOLD’em BACK!! For your father’s sake do not let them see you CRY!!
The quarterback straightened up and regains his composure. “There you better now” asked the coach. “Yeah coach, I’m fine” said the quarterback. “Good, cause I don’t want you to panic over something as silly as a dirty uniform” said the coach. We need ya boy, we need your rocket arm. The team can’t afford to have you falling apart when the going gets tough, you get my drift son?” “Yes sir” said the handsome quarterback.
“Good” said the coach. “Now don’t you worry about your uniform, we’ll get that cleaned up and ready to go for next week. What I need you to do is keep throwing touchdowns. Keep throwing the slant, keep throwing the button and keep thro—“keep throwing the go?” the quarterback interjected. “That’s right son, that’s right” said the coach. “You gettin it” The coach says as he pats him on the shoulder.
“Now I need you to keep throwing ‘Pretty’ Ricky the ball, you know why?” asked the coach. “Because it’s a contract year” said the quarterback hesitantly. “That’s RIGHT son that’s right, you starting to get the picture baby” said the coach with a sly smile. “But coach” said the quarterback with a slight sound of concern in his voice. “What son, what is it?” asked the coach. “What if he starts to miss? What if he doesn’t catch the ball” asked the quarterback.
The coach laughed. “Son” began the coach “Now I told you not to worry about that. The man has hands of magnets, hell you even said so yourself” “Yeah coach I know, I know” said the quarterback. “Than what’s the problem boy what you crying about now?” asked the coach.
The handsome quarterback tried to compose himself, tried to collect his thoughts, but he found out he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t. He couldn’t say what was on his mind. “Look son” said the coach as he put his hand on the quarterback’s shoulder. “Look, all you got to do is throw the slant, the button and the go, that’s it, your set, it’s that easy. Even a fool can do it.”
The handsome quarterback winced a little at that remark. All of a sudden our handsome stallion wasn’t looking so handsome at the moment. The coach picked up on this and said “You got a problem doing that son?” asked the coach. “You telling me you don’t want to throw the slant, the button and the go?” said the coach in a stern manner. “No coach that ain’t it, it ain’t it” said the quarterback. “I love the slant, button and the go it’s my bread and butter. I don’t know what I’d do without it” said the quarterback with a hint of panic in his voice.
“Okay” said the coach thinking. “Is it your uniform? Does my handsome quarterback with the rocket arm want a new uniform?” said the coach trying to be cheerful when in reality he was getting annoyed as hell. “Nah” said the quarterback. “The uniform is fine. All it needs is a little bit of cleaning and it’ll be as good as new” Than the coach lost it and said “Than what the hell is it son?” said the coach with annoyance. “Got damn it boy stop beating around the bush and tell me what the crap is eating up your ass!!”
The handsome quarterback put his hands by his side and looks down. He shifts his feet around. He raises his head and looks off into the field at ‘Pretty’ Ricky. “It’s Ricky coach” said the quarterback
“I want to be like him coach, I want to be like Ricky, I wanna ‘Pretty’ for a change. “What the hell for”? asked the coach clearly baffled.
“Coach, I’m tired of being handsome all the time” said the handsome quarterback. The coached chuckled. “Son you can’t be like Ricky” “Why not” asked the quarterback. “Why not?!?” said the coach. “Cause you the quarterback you the crazy son of a bitch, you got to throw the got damn ball!!” “Well what if I don’t want to throw the ball anymore. What if I want to start catching” said the handsome quarterback. “Wait, you telling me you want to be a receiver?” asked the coach. The quarterback shrugged and said “Maybe I do.”
The coach looked and felt somewhat puzzled and thought to himself “gawd damn it this candy ass white boy better not be loosing his mind, he better not be going crazy. I swear to god if he breaks down on me I will personally kick his cherry ass. I’ll knock sense back in him even if it kills me. ”
The coach refocused his attention toward the apparently confused and befuddled, but yet still handsome quarterback. “But son, you the quarterback. You don’t get to be pretty. Hell son quarterback’s are suppose to be long, tall and handsome. Just look at Peyton Manning. He’s long, tall and handsome and you’ve been kicking his country ass for years.
“Coach I don’t give a rat’s ass about Peyton Manning or any other quarterback” said the quarterback. “I’m bored. I want a chance catch the ball. I wanna to dance in the endzone and look pretty” “Son, I’m going to tell you right now if you try and dance in the endzone you sure as hell ain’t going to look pretty” said the coach. “You need to stay your ass right where you are. Your arm’s a rocket not a magnet”
“Why” ask the quarterback. Why do I got to stay where I am, is it because he’s pretty coach?” “No its because he can catch the GOT DAMN BALL” said the coach. “Damn son what the hell’s gotten into you??
The handsome quarterback sighs and sits on the bench pouting. It’s true he’s always been handsome but never quite pretty. He’s always had a rocket of an arm but never had magnets of hands nor pistols as legs. He could throw the slant, the button and the go. But when it came down to partying in the endzone and making the fans shout and making the cheer leaders ‘cheer’, he simply couldn’t ‘go’
The coach looked at the quarterback and said “Come on now boy you got to cut this shit out. I don’t have time for your little hissy fits. You’re a football player not a desperate housewife” The handsome quarterback looks up at the coach with a mean expression on his face “I know what I am coach” said the quarterback with the rocket arm. “I know what I can do”.
“Look son maybe next year after we win the superbowl we can have you run some routes during preseason” said the coach. “Coach I don’t want to wait until preseason next year, I want to do it now, while we’re hot. No one can beat us coach, they can’t touch us. What’s the problem coach, why can’t I make the catch this season, why can’t I be the pretty guy in the endzone for a change.”
“Alright, ALRIGHT!!” said the coach. “Hell I give up. You want to catch the ball, fine, you gonna get your wish. We’ll give you a chance to catch the ball at the end of one of our last three games. “But you got to promise me something boy” said the coach “What’s that coach?” asked the quarterback. “I need you to get better” said the coach. “But coach, I’m already good” said the quarterback. “No son that’s not what I mean” said the coach. “I need you to be better for the playoffs. I need you to add more zip to your slant, more pop to your button and more hustle and flow to your go. Can you do that for me boy, can ya?” Yeah coach I can do that, I can do that and more” said the handsome quarterback. “Good” said the coach.
Now get in the locker room and get your uniform cleaned. Get ready for next week. “But coach I thought you said you wanted me to throw more touchdowns” said the quarterback” The coach shrugged his shoulders and laughed, “kid we’re up by 40, besides you’re uniform needs cleaning, let’s get you out of there before it gets a little worse.” “You got it coach” said the quarterback.
The handsome quarterback with the rocket arm went to the locker room. He put on his helmet and said “Oh yeah” The coach shrugged his shoulders and laughed…