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billie

Turkey pardons

" This year marks the 59th consecutive year that the National Thanksgiving Turkey gets a Presidential Pardon. Thanksgiving turkeys have been presented to presidents since the Lincoln Administration, but the current ceremony dates to 1947, when the first National Thanksgiving Turkey was presented to President Harry S. Truman.

Truman began the tradition of “pardoning” the turkey. The previous practice of hacking their heads off on the White House lawn seemed a bit too much for a war weary nation. However, recently discovered classified documents show that the birds pardoned by Truman were all later used in nuclear experiments in the Nevada desert (hence the first “nuked” turkey).

Eisenhower’s Administration saw 8 more turkeys and 8 more pardons. But again, all 8 of those turkeys came to untimely deaths after leaving the White House. One was killed crossing the road, and 3 more died of the disease the “turkey trot.” All the rest died in farm accidents.

The 1950's were simpler times.

President John F. Kennedy pardoned 3 turkeys. The first was killed in a gangland slaying shortly after he was released. The second bird drowned in a car accident while returning from a beach outing with the Presidents youngest brother. And the third turkey was killed by a lone gunman.

LBJ pardoned 5 turkeys in his time in office. Reportedly, all 5 died in a Cambodian fire fight.

During the Nixon Administration there was a scandal surrounding the Thanksgiving turkeys. In an outrage know as "Turkey Gate" all six of the turkeys pardoned by President Nixon had come to the White House pre-stuffed with $1,000 bills. None of the birds left the White House grounds alive.

During the short-lived Ford Administration the President was able to pardon three turkeys; two birds and Richard Nixon. Regrettably -and in bizarrely similar, separate incidents - both of the birds were later killed when Ford tripped and fell on them in the Rose Garden.

President Carter pardoned 7 turkeys in his term in office without incident, but the first one was pardoned under a cloud of suspicion after Billy Carter had been seen two day before Thanksgiving with the bird at a Virginia night club.

Ronald Reagan pardoned 8 turkeys all told, but the last 5 might as well have been smoked hams for all the President knew. During the pardoning of the final turkey in 1988 the President asked: “Mommie…where’s my remote?”

President George H. W. Bush was responsible for pardoning 4 turkeys. Ironically, one of them - a bird dubbed “Willie” by the Washington Press Corp.- later raped and killed three women in the Washington D.C. area.

During the Clinton years 8 turkeys were pardoned and place in an environmentally correct enclosure at Disney World to live out their natural lives. Meanwhile, secret orders were sent to Tyson headquarters in Arkansas to kill 26 million chickens and to reshape them into “Turkey-Lurky” sandwiches for McDonald's Happy Meals. Ten percent of the proceeds were then funneled back into the Clinton campaign fund.

President George W. Bush had pardoned 5 turkeys up until yesterday. All 5 turkeys had been grown under no-bid contracts by Grandma Mindy's Farms...a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hebrew Schools LLC (a Jack Abramoff company) at a cost of $37,000 a piece. "
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KnivesOnly

Forget Turkey and eat thai food instead mmmmmmmm.