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Good better best, never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is best. -Tim Duncan
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 89 now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
Originally posted by Benedikt
This is my favorite joke ever!
The Avengers MMORPG
Prison vs Work
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
jemcrystal: hehe someone got bored on WC
It seems that researchers have begun using lawyers for their experiments instead of rats. There are three good reasons for this. First, there are so many of them. Second, the researchers don't get nearly so attached to them. And third, the lawyers can be trained to do things that a rat just won't do.
classic lawyer jokes
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control? His personality.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
For Sale:Apple iPod15 GB model, lightly used167 songs loaded
The RIAA says it's worth about $25 million.I'll let it go for $5 million, plus shipping.
For the Bronies:
And for the rest of us:
The guys on my car forum seem to have a good sense of humor.