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So, last night I was playing Planetside 2 and having a grand ole time zipping around on my Flash, a four wheeled ATV (real men ride motorcycles or even a three-wheeler or a hoverbike.) Anyway, I found a beautiful convoy of about 30 armored vehicles on my team. We zerged from control point to control point almost effortlessly chewing up enemies and destroying anything in our path when, out of the blue, I hear on my headset, "Turn off your f*cking lights!"
Now, don't get me wrong, I was in the military for 15 years and understand the importance of light discipline on the battlefield; yet being in a convoy of 30+ tanks with aircraft flying about screaming, "Here we are!" made me laugh at the thought that my tiny set of ATV headlights would actually bring about the demise of my comrades in a game with radar and minimap detection, scouts, noise from incessant n00b gunfire, etc.
So I left them on. Boy! Did this piss that guy off! The next thing I know, I had tank rounds flying up my a$$ and my poor Flash ATV was at 1/2 health. His cries were inaudible, but I could make out something like this, "HEY IDIOT! TURN OFF YOUR *%^%$&* LIGHTS OR I WILL (#*$^#$* YOU AND YOUR (*@#)$%^ MOM!" or something.
This is where I got a wonderful idea, a game for dicks! Yes! We all know the hardcore elitists are always complaining that everyone around them are n00bs and have no concept of true gaming. So let us make a game for them! Here is the list of requirements:
1) Extreme Grinding: The game needs an XXTREME grinding system! Yes, for all of those dicks that lounge around in mom's basement and play 100 hours per week, this game will have plenty of bees to catch, rats to squash and bear hides to collect!
2) Ninja detection: How many times have you been in an encounter where the rogue decides to roleplay so effectively, that he rolls on loot that he shouldn't and then pops smoke with the warrior's battleaxe never to be seen again? Implement a ninja detector! Once the group stops QQing from the obvious theft of their precious pixellated axe, simply press a report button and make that ninja pay! Once the system recognizes a rogue rolled on a battle axe he cannot use, then a "Wanted Dead or Alive" tag is broadcast throughout Dickland! At this point, both enemy and friendly forces can PK this turd and even steal one item from his inventory(or character page). This is a game for elitist dicks anyway, right?
3) Team killers: My fav! I love people that shoot me in the head from my own team! Team killers are gonna TK no matter what. So let them! Just add a penalty. X number of TKs will get you moved to the opposite faction with reputation loss. You gotta start all over on reputation building, but meh! You are a turncoat TK'r anyway! (AND YOU ARE ELITE!)
4) Dick of the Hour/Day/Week: Finally getting back to my encounter mentioned at the start of all of this nonsense, implement a Dick Grenade! This grenade would only be granted once per hour/day/week and allow the user to mark a teammate whom they think is a huge dick. Simply toss this grenade at your fellow Peener and let him know how you feel about being shot in the back or yelled at for light infringements. Once applied, the dick will be the owner of a bright pink skin, complete with sparkles and a beacon placed on his head that will give away his position to enemies lurking in the bushes. If the Dick is as elite as he says he is, he will be able to overcome this handicap and destroy his enemy while wearing a pink tutu.
5) Pay to win: We all know money buys power. So why not let the 1% of the gaming community that are the ELITE pay to have a few extra goodies? Allow them to purchase something that can nuke the hell out of the opposing force or dragon once in a while. This would ensure "XXTREEEEEME!" dickishness and make us n00bs feel like the true peasants we are! Just remember, there will always be another dick out there that has spent thousands of hours perfecting his ninja/camping/assassination that can kill that Dick's rich a$$ faster than Robin Hood and take that nuke that Dick just spent money on. Meh! Dicks are ELITE and rich, so buy another at respawn!
6) Item loss: This game will feature theft, so if a Dick kills another Dick, he can loot one or more items off the corpse. This is ELITE gaming! No Pansies here!
7) Camping: Dicks love to camp player spawn points. This game will encourage it! Kill enough Dicks in the graveyard and BOOM! That faction's god will pop down to deliver an excellent a$$-whoopin' to the ELITIST Dick who incurred its wrath!
8) Head on a Pike: Every now and then a Dick becomes so ELITE that he gains server or gamewide notariaty. At this point the Dick will receive a bounty on his head and the Dick that kills him will be able to remove that Elite Dick's head and place it on a pike or display it at his home.
Do you have any ideas to add?