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Game for "Elite" players (hilarity will ensue!)

SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member

So, last night I was playing Planetside 2 and having a grand ole time zipping around on my Flash, a four wheeled ATV (real men ride motorcycles or even a three-wheeler or a hoverbike.) Anyway, I found a beautiful convoy of about 30 armored vehicles on my team. We zerged from control point to control point almost effortlessly chewing up enemies and destroying anything in our path when, out of the blue, I hear on my headset, "Turn off your f*cking lights!"

Now, don't get me wrong, I was in the military for 15 years and understand the importance of light discipline on the battlefield; yet being in a convoy of 30+ tanks with aircraft flying about screaming, "Here we are!" made me laugh at the thought that my tiny set of ATV headlights would actually bring about the demise of my comrades in a game with radar and minimap detection, scouts, noise from incessant n00b gunfire, etc.

So I left them on. Boy! Did this piss that guy off! The next thing I know, I had tank rounds flying up my a$$ and my poor Flash ATV was at 1/2 health. His cries were inaudible, but I could make out something like this, "HEY IDIOT! TURN OFF YOUR *%^%$&* LIGHTS OR I WILL (#*$^#$* YOU AND YOUR (*@#)$%^ MOM!" or something.

This is where I got a wonderful idea, a game for dicks! Yes! We all know the hardcore elitists are always complaining that everyone around them are n00bs and have no concept of true gaming. So let us make a game for them! Here is the list of requirements:

1) Extreme Grinding: The game needs an XXTREME grinding system! Yes, for all of those dicks that lounge around in mom's basement and play 100 hours per week, this game will have plenty of bees to catch, rats to squash and bear hides to collect!

2) Ninja detection: How many times have you been in an encounter where the rogue decides to roleplay so effectively, that he rolls on loot that he shouldn't and then pops smoke with the warrior's battleaxe never to be seen again? Implement a ninja detector! Once the group stops QQing from the obvious theft of their precious pixellated axe, simply press a report button and make that ninja pay! Once the system recognizes a rogue rolled on a battle axe he cannot use, then a "Wanted Dead or Alive" tag is broadcast throughout Dickland! At this point, both enemy and friendly forces can PK this turd and even steal one item from his inventory(or character page). This is a game for elitist dicks anyway, right?

3) Team killers: My fav! I love people that shoot me in the head from my own team! Team killers are gonna TK no matter what. So let them! Just add a penalty. X number of TKs will get you moved to the opposite faction with reputation loss. You gotta start all over on reputation building, but meh! You are a turncoat TK'r anyway! (AND YOU ARE ELITE!)

4) Dick of the Hour/Day/Week: Finally getting back to my encounter mentioned at the start of all of this nonsense, implement a Dick Grenade! This grenade would only be granted once per hour/day/week and allow the user to mark a teammate whom they think is a huge dick. Simply toss this grenade at your fellow Peener and let him know how you feel about being shot in the back or yelled at for light infringements. Once applied, the dick will be the owner of a bright pink skin, complete with sparkles and a beacon placed on his head that will give away his position to enemies lurking in the bushes. If the Dick is as elite as he says he is, he will be able to overcome this handicap and destroy his enemy while wearing a pink tutu.

5) Pay to win: We all know money buys power. So why not let the 1% of the gaming community that are the ELITE pay to have a few extra goodies? Allow them to purchase something that can nuke the hell out of the opposing force or dragon once in a while. This would ensure "XXTREEEEEME!" dickishness and make us n00bs feel like the true peasants we are! Just remember, there will always be another dick out there that has spent thousands of hours perfecting his ninja/camping/assassination that can kill that Dick's rich a$$ faster than Robin Hood and take that nuke that Dick just spent money on. Meh! Dicks are ELITE and rich, so buy another at respawn!

6) Item loss: This game will feature theft, so if a Dick kills another Dick, he can loot one or more items off the corpse. This is ELITE gaming! No Pansies here!

7) Camping: Dicks love to camp player spawn points. This game will encourage it! Kill enough Dicks in the graveyard and BOOM! That faction's god will pop down to deliver an excellent a$$-whoopin' to the ELITIST Dick who incurred its wrath! 

8) Head on a Pike: Every now and then a Dick becomes so ELITE that he gains server or gamewide notariaty. At this point the Dick will receive a bounty on his head and the Dick that kills him will be able to remove that Elite Dick's head and place it on a pike or display it at his home.

 

Do you have any ideas to add?

Comments

  • ArChWindArChWind Some Place, WIPosts: 1,220Member Uncommon

    LOL.

     

    No.

  • RefMinorRefMinor MyTownPosts: 3,452Member Uncommon
    But what happens to the dicks that won't turn out the lights?
  • SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member
    Anything! Remember, Dicks with headlights on can be TK'd or fall prey to the Dick Grenade. Duh! You wouldn't be good at the Dick game if you have to ask what happens to the Light Turner Oner Infringer Dick.
  • DrakadenDrakaden Quebec, QCPosts: 138Member Uncommon
    You forgot about dicks ELITES that outmouth so much they make up for the rest of the server, what about those? Can be categorized as dicks trollers, taunters, or just bullcrap talkers, loud mouths.
  • OgreRaperOgreRaper Detroit, MIPosts: 376Member
    I love running into whiny nerds who rage in video games. I would follow him all day with my lights on just to hear him cry about it.
  • curacura WarsawPosts: 1,046Member Uncommon
    Originally posted by RefMinor
    But what happens to the dicks that won't turn out the lights?

    This

  • OnomasOnomas USAPosts: 1,129Member Uncommon
    Ever think its just you being a noob and him not being an elitist? 15 years in the military and you still dont know that lights and smoke give away your position? If it was on a dark map/night time and youridding all over with the lights on, i would have killed you also.
  • DrakadenDrakaden Quebec, QCPosts: 138Member Uncommon
    Originally posted by cura
    Originally posted by RefMinor
    But what happens to the dicks that won't turn out the lights?

    This

    Exactly, they make posts about dicks.

  • SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member
    Originally posted by Drakaden
    You forgot about dicks ELITES that outmouth so much they make up for the rest of the server, what about those? Can be categorized as dicks trollers, taunters, or just bullcrap talkers, loud mouths.

    Oh yessss! These guys are total dicks! Maybe there could be a grenade that could be purchased in the in-game store that would mark the target in a nice cloud of poo and flies to represent the BS that spouts forth from their mouth! 

    OR

    A HUGE mouth icon, complete with poo that flies out hovers over their head like a little black raincloud instantly alerting n00bs nearby that there is a sh!ttalker amongst them! 

  • DrakadenDrakaden Quebec, QCPosts: 138Member Uncommon
    Originally posted by Onomas
    Ever think its just you being a noob and him not being an elitist? 15 years in the military and you still dont know that lights and smoke give away your position? If it was on a dark map/night time and youridding all over with the lights on, i would have killed you also.

    But then he would have kept the lights on to make you QQ even more.

  • WightyWighty Westbury, NYPosts: 698Member Uncommon

    You could add e-peen measuring stick as well...

     

    Any game like Planetside, Call of Duty, LOL and MOBA's in general. You are going to have those raging idiots that put the old Onyxia wipe video look like a quilting circle.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtvIYRrgZ04

     

    Fk'n assholes ruin gaming...

    What are your other Hobbies?

    Gaming is Dirt Cheap compared to this...

  • doorb7doorb7 StaffordPosts: 60Member
    Lol, this game has guns that fire purple stuff, all the players are blue, red or purple, and the night time isnt dark enough to even need lights, and there are people out there playing it like a set of head lamps can ruin a whole military operation!!!?? astonishing!! yes you can have tactics in this game, but being completely hidden from the enemy for any serious lenght of time is not one of them!!

    image

  • SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member
    Originally posted by Onomas
    Ever think its just you being a noob and him not being an elitist? 15 years in the military and you still dont know that lights and smoke give away your position? If it was on a dark map/night time and youridding all over with the lights on, i would have killed you also.

    Absolutely! However, if you read my post you would understand that there was a column of 30+ tanks, 10+ aircraft buzzing about and explosions everywhere. PLUS, in PS2 the map shows where all of the enemy activity is. Lights are the least of your concern at this point. Good boy! Use your Dick Grenade and TK me if you want.  Just remember, light discipline matters in real life, not in a game where your position is indicated by n00bs firing weapons like crackheads dying to hear fake explosions impact a terrain of pixels.

  • DrakadenDrakaden Quebec, QCPosts: 138Member Uncommon
    Originally posted by Wighty


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtvIYRrgZ04

    OMG this video is so darn funny lol, i would have ditched that guy on the first 5 seconds he started barking at the team, some people have no bloody way of talking to people decently.

  • WightyWighty Westbury, NYPosts: 698Member Uncommon
    Originally posted by Drakaden
    Originally posted by Wighty


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtvIYRrgZ04

    OMG this video is so darn funny lol, i would have ditched that guy on the first 5 seconds he started barking at the team, some people have no bloody way of talking to people decently.

    Heh... glad you like, thats the original Vanilla WOW rage video... a true classic... should be on everyones favorites.

    What are your other Hobbies?

    Gaming is Dirt Cheap compared to this...

  • SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member
    Originally posted by Drakaden
    Originally posted by cura
    Originally posted by RefMinor
    But what happens to the dicks that won't turn out the lights?

    This

    Exactly, they make posts about dicks.

    I would definitely agree. I'd be not only hit with a n00b grenade, but also hit with a Dick Grenade, and I'd wear the badge proudly as I laughed at the nerdrage from the other Dicks.

  • SkilialSkilial Lee''s Summit, MOPosts: 30Member
    Originally posted by ArChWind
    What about the c*nts that you also have to deal with not just the D*cks?

    Well my good friend, you'd be playing The Sims or Hello Kitty Online or Farmville or something. I never said I'd take care of ALL of gaming turds, just the Dicks. I am sure someone will grab the Guideon and shove it right up those c*nts!

  • MethiosMethios Brandywine, MDPosts: 157Member
    Planetside 2 is a joke.
This discussion has been closed.